SHE REMEMBERED WHO SHE WAS AND THE GAME CHANGED
Have you found yourself at the point where you question why to everything?
A couple of weeks ago I was at this point. My priorities just didn’t add up any longer and so thoughts of letting go of the love of my life, music were real af. I had lost my love for it and the feelings that I used to cherish were gone. I had created this goal for myself years ago but somewhere along the way had lost my why. What was the reason? Why did I want to be an artist anymore?
I sat back and just said f#$k it, I’m out and I’m fine with it. Can you believe after finishing my unreleased Ep ‘Bodhi’ and all the hard work that went into it, I’d just throw in the towel? I was done and wanted out, I just didn’t seem to care anymore and the thing I doubted more than myself was the game I seemed to end up playing. There was this idea of perfection that I couldn’t live up to, like I wasn’t allowed to break down and be vulnerable because those I had around me would relish in happiness that I too could be ‘weak’.
So. Who is “me”. I’m a dreamer. I see “the big picture” and I can’t stop, which isn’t always a good thing. I have ADHD, which went undiagnosed until quite recently. Until then, I’d always just put down all my disorganization and inattentiveness to being a creative spirit. At one point in high school, I remember telling a teacher point blank that she hadn’t given me my assessment back. Turns out I never even handed it in. That wasn’t my only struggle with deadlines. Then there was my childhood that was full of unnecessary accidents like climbing a fence in pre-school and ending up in a hospital with a brain hemorrhage. I’m a vegan of 14 years; I don’t drink, I meditate daily and I love training. Boxing, running or weights – training just settles my mind. I talk too much when I don’t need to, and way too little when I really should. I’m a lost cause in so many ways but I don’t apologize for all that is me.
In an ode to my EP ‘Bodhi’, which means to understand the true nature of things, I wanted to share more of what makes me the artist that I am. I’m forever learning and forever grateful for every bit of pain, sadness, and anger that comes my way. Happiness isn’t the goal for me; it’s the feeling of inner peace and satisfaction that I will never regret just being. Through this self-discovery that is life, I’m looking forward to more moments that come and push me over, so I can remember my why?
What is my why? It’s the excruciating feeling of waking up in the morning and music animating my mind. Melodies and lyrics I can’t escape and the feeling that singing gives me, that nothing can replace.
At this point, I’m here to stay and want to share these moments with you through music, my artistic expression that is the only constant in my life.